THE News, indeed! – pray do you call it news
When shallow noddles publish shallow views?
Pray is it news that turnips should be bred
As large and hollow as the owner’s head?
News, that a clerk should rob his master’s hoard,
Whose meagre salary scarcely pays his board?
News, that two knaves, their spurious friendship o’er,
Should tell the truths which they concealed before?
News, that a maniac, weary of his life,
Should end his sorrows with a rope or knife?
News that a wife should violate the vows
That bind her, loveless, to a tyrant spouse?
News, that a daughter cheats paternal rule,
And weds a scoundrel to escape a fool? –
The news indeed! – such matters are as old
As sin and folly, rust and must and mould!