In 2007, Mark Thompson Peter Horrocks apparently walked into a meeting of top BBC talent and declared – not untruthfully – “There is no market for newsreaders.”

Unfortunately “even a dead cat bounces” (as finance types say) and the market promptly leapt back into action and Natasha Kaplinsky and Dermot Murnaghan both left the BBC for Sky. Still, probably saved Peter a few bob.

So what will be making the news about TV news in 2008?

At the Beeb, 2008 will be a year of redundancies, budget cuts, and salami slicing in TV news. How do you like your budget cuts? Chunky chorizo or saucisson sec? Among those having their milano sausage shaved, BBC Newsnight, where Jeremy Paxman will take early retirement after being required to work four nights a week.

In a controversial move the programme will be outsourced to a different think tank each month, with Dean Godson of Policy Exchange as launch editor and Charles Moore replacing Gavin Esler. Their motto? Bigger stories, less evidence.

News 24 launches a new +1 digital service. A press release promises: “The news – as it happened”.

BBC News will appoint a floods correspondent, specially equipped with a glass-bottomed, satellite linked mini-submarine. Summer 2008 will be the hottest and driest on record.

Alan Yentob announces he’s leaving the BBC to become the new face of Churchill Car Insurance.

On ITV, viewers will be able to buy their own share in the company for less than the price of a text. News At Ten will return, win awards but no viewers, and by December Michael Grade’s successor will be declaring it a critical success but a commercial failure, and asking to run one early evening news programme – preferably at 4.30pm.

To counter the ITV move, the BBC 10 will be re-titled The One To Watch For News – At Ten (with Kate Silverton). In another innovative move, Silverton won’t actually present the programme, or be told about any of the stories in it, but will stand outside on a different street every night to introduce and close it with a new tag line that viewers’ll have the chance to vote on:

• And now the weather
• And now over to our regional newsrooms

The continuing importance of current affairs on BBC1 will be highlighted as Panorama goes five nights a week. Confusingly, in the schedules this will appear as Tonight with Jonathan Ross. Ross’s increased role, and public service remit, will go some way to meeting criticism of his salary.

And just to show there are no hard feelings, redundant BBC journalists will find their “packages” include invitations to feature as members of Ross’s studio audience.

Current Affairs across ITV will be consolidated. Tonight with Trevor MacDonald will be replaced by I’m An Economist, Get Me Out Of Here on ITV4, with leading members of the Bank of England’s monetary policy committee forced to live like celebrities whilst the public are asked to set interest rates by text vote.

And finally, after hearing that editors no longer want bulletins read by alcoholics who have been kicked out by their long-suffering partners, 24-hour TV newsdesks have to call round presenters to persuade them to turn up for work regardless.